Beautiful Through It All

Recovery reason:
because i’d rather inspire people than trigger them.

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude. -Scott Hamilton"


Let’s get something straight:

Nobody admires you for being anorexic,
That’s just the voice in your head.
They will not applaud you,
Or think of you as ‘controlled’, or
‘tragically beautiful’.
They will not envy you,
They do not see your slow suicide
As admirable.

Anorexia does not make you special,
Different or unique.
Your laughter, your passions,
Your smile, are why people love you.
They do not love anorexia,
They love you, and though the voice says
Without it you are nothing.
I promise, without anorexia
You are everything.

Recovery is a choice,
And it means you have to fight.
Eat, even when anorexia is screaming
At you to stop.
Recovery is learning,
That you are admirable without being thin,
That you are interesting without anorexia,
That you are worth more than a life
With a demon in your head, who
Wants to kill you.
You are perfect, and you do not
Need this disease, to make you
Feel worthy of life.

Please, do not
Put your trust in Anorexia Nervosa,
You are worth
So much more.


"Don’t you dare
Shrink yourself
For someone else’s comfort -
Do not become small
For people who refuse to grow."

-m.v., Advice to my future daughter, #2.  (via efidelity)

"If you’re under 30 and in a relationship right now, and you’re not head over heels, get out. You are way too young to be wasting your time with someone who doesn’t make you really happy to be with them every day. There’s nothing sadder than watching 23-year-olds settle."

"A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If this person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make them leave."

"who taught me to miss being sick
the same way that i miss
my childhood
and my best friend
and the summertime?"

"I don’t think people realize, when they’re just getting started on an eating disorder or even when they’re in the grip of one, that it is not something that you just “get over.” For the vast majority of eating-disordered people, it is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life. You may change your behavior, change your beliefs about yourself and your body, give up that particular way of coping in the world. You may learn, as I have, that you would rather be a human than a human’s thin shell. You may get well. But you never forget."




girls aren’t “easy”, girls don’t have difficulty levels. some girls like sex and some girls don’t. you aren’t winning anything by getting either of them to sleep with you.

Some girls only want sex after emotional closeness develops, but to call this “difficulty” says some really disturbing shit about what you think emotional closeness is for.


"Don’t call me beautiful
i don’t care
call me intelligent
tell me my laugh is contagious;
that i made you smile
tell me i have something to offer"

"There is nothing wrong with wanting attention. It doesn’t make you selfish. It doesn’t make you desperate or pathetic or weak. It makes you human. We all want to be noticed. We all need to feel seen and heard and valued. And we all deserve to have those needs met. You are no exception. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to be acknowledged and loved and cared for. You deserve to shine. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise."


and i could fit a fist in the gap between my thighs
but i couldn’t feel beautiful so i assumed maybe
i was doing skinny wrong, more collarbones more coffee
less control over what was killing me

thank god for every food that broke my fast
even though i cursed its poor existence and
tried to puke it, thank god for every crumb and
calorie that kept me living

thank god for recovery, for hair that shines
like the setting sun, for fingernails that don’t
flake off, for hipbones that don’t bruise just by
looking at them, for hands that are strong enough
to hold onto the ones i love instead of
shaking so hard that they cannot write
a poem, thank god for the people who saw me at
my worst, for the boy who stood next to me in the shower
when my knees hit the ground and i sobbed for an hour,
thank god for the girl who kept sending me text
messages about how good being healthy is
until i finally believed them, thank god for
the love spilling out like liquor over these bones
until i finally got better, so yes

my tummy is round now like
a smooth hill and my thighs kiss each other
like a desperate couple and my arms are puffed up
with pride

and i fucking love it
because i am alive.